So, I can't believe it's only 6 weeks till Christmas! A mere 6 weeks. Only means one thing: start blasting Christmas tunes, eating too much food, spending too much money, and buying costa's gingerbread latte (optional)
I wrote a mini sketch (Christmas themed) that will hopefully go in a comedy show at my university. It's about a Santa Claus being depressed because he doesn't get any presents. (I was definitely in the Christmas spirit when I wrote this!!)
Sitting down, Santa looks through the wish lists that
children have sent him
Santa (mumbling): toy train, toy car, dolls house, princess
fairy costume, keyboard, bicycle...
Elf: Err, hi Santa, I have a few more lists for you,
Santa: A few? (looks at the amount elf is carrying) That’s
bloody loads; I thought you said these were my last lot
Elf: Yeah I thought they were! They just keep on coming and
coming. It’s going to be a big one this year!
Santa (flicks through a few of the new lists): Give em here.
Looks like I’ll be working all through the night now.
Elf (shocked): Come on Saint Nick, we all know you love it.
Like you always say, it’s all worth it at the end of the day to see the smiles
on the children’s faces!
Santa: Are you insane?
Elf: oh, I just thought, well, you’ve always said that Santa
Santa (sad): Have I? Well it doesn’t matter because who’s
getting me a present? Why do I have to be the one giving presents all the time?
Elf: But you’re the spreader of joy, of love, you make
Christmas what it is!
Santa: Why do all these ungrateful, whining, unpleasant,
moaning little mongrels get them and I don’t?
Elf:You must be
pulling my leg, you can’t be serious Nick! These kids they love you!
Santa (starts smoking): I sit here, day after day, slaving
away for months on end, year after year, making sure every little insignificant
little child is happy for Christmas and what do I get in return? NOTHING!
Elf: Well, you-
Santa: Who gives a damn about me for the rest of the year? I’ll
tell you who, no-one! No-one asks “Where’s Santa? Is he ok?”Maybe a couple of times I’ll receive some
crappy letter that says “Thank you” with some retarded drawing that I presume
is Rudolph but looks more like donkey that’s been in a car crash.
Elf: Bless them for trying...what are you expecting, Van
Santa: And what’s with the fucking mince pies on the table
of every single house I go in? Who thinks that I can eat that many mice pies?
Have you met anyone that can eat that many mince pies? Have you?
Elf: No, but come on-
Santa: And all the glasses of wine! Don’t these people know
I’m on a tight schedule? I can’t keep going to the toilet! And the carrots? I
don’t even like carrots!
Elf: I think they’re meant for the reindeer
Santa: When I was younger, I never got presents, not even a
tangerine or a lump of coal and here I am, expected to deliver presents in the
thousands. I suppose I just started doing it because I was just trying to make
up for the emptiness inside...the aching black void of emptiness. I thought that if I became Santa my mother
might be proud of me. Doing all this good and all. But nothing’s changed. Why
didn’t she buy me a toy car eh? Where’s my toy car? Why haven’t I got one now?
Elf: Err because you’re not 5?
Santa: Shut up
Santa (takes a swig of whisky and
decides to flick through some more of the lists): They always draw me so fat in
pictures as well. Doesn’t do a lot for my self-confidence does it?
Elf: You look great
Santa: Looks like I’ll never get a
present....Wait, what's this other letter? (Opens)... looks different...
(Starts reading) What? I don't believe it! It’s from someone called Reader's Digest!
My luck's changed Elf! It says here I've been entered in a prize draw to win either
a luxury holiday in Miami, a mini iPad or a year's supply of cheese! And it
looks like I'm guaranteed a prize! (jumps up) Yes!
*Elf in background can't take the
stupidity and reaches for cigar
So for Halloween this year, I thought I'd make a proper effort (usually I go for a standard witch, usually missing an essential piece of costume such as the broom) and put together my own costume #DIY
Wind up doll
I thought the key turned out quite well despite my limited sewing skills and the fact I'd made it from the cardboard from a dominoes takeaway pizza box (can you get more like a student?!) and painted it black. I'll just say now I did not anticipate the rain that came on the night (I do not want to speak about #traumatictimes)
So anyway I sewed the key onto a lace dress that I already owned, and bought some face paint, stripy socks and headband to complete the spookiness..
I was tempted to just move robotically all night and just freak everyone out
My friend made me these A.M.A.Z.I.N.G Doctor Who themed cupcakes for my 18th birthday (no I have not grown up!!) She knows me well. And hell do they taste as good as they look. WARNING: If anyone goes near them I shall have to exterminate.
Yeah, so, I think he's pretty tops. Especially in Sherlock Holmes. Speaks so quickly and in a sort of low murmer which is really quite chilling/awesome.
4. Johnny Depp
Who does not love Johnny Depp? Personally I loved his hilarious portrayal of Captain Jack Sparrow in The Pirates of The Carribean films. Oh, and as The Mad Hatter.
3. David Tennant
All time favourite Doctor in Doctor Who. Brilliant. He had that kind of thing about him that made him seem like he WAS the Doctor, merely playing the role of David Tennant. I'm almost sure of it. Very funny, and he talked real fast to distract the Daleks (If you haven't already realised I rate talking quickly and being funny quite highly for some reason).
2. Rowan Atkinson
Ahhhh. Rowan. Loved his portrayal of Mr Bean. Think he is fab. And guess what DUNN DUNN DERRRRN *Drum roll please* I also think he is hilarious. A close second with his wide range of amazingly crazy facial expressions.
1. Jim Carrey
This guy really take the biscuit. In fact he also eats the biscuit (You get my kind-of metaphor?) He is my all time favourite actor of all time...of all time...in the universe and beyond. I don't think it is possible to find an actor that is so naturally funny but can also make you all emotional when he does all the serious stuff. And not to mention: Best Facial expressions ever. BOOM.
Benedict Cumberbatch (can I just say, awesome name) plays Sherlock Holmes in the modern adaptation, and I think he is brilliant! He is definitely on my favourite actors list. If I even got close to his standard of acting I would be as happy as ever (and happier still if I could marry him!!) This clip where he acts drunk is hilarious. You must watch it. And that's an order.
"Why do we find it impossible to live in harmony with each other, the natural world, or even ourselves? Why is human history an endless, depressing saga of warefare, conflict, and oppression? Why do we seem impelled to destroy our environment, and hence ourselves as a species? Or, on a more psychological level, why do we suffer from constant restlessness and unease? Why is it that many of us are driven to accumulate more and more wealth, status and success, without any evidence that they provide us with contentment and fulfillment? Why, when we achieve our goals, do we only feel a short period of satisfaction, before restlessness emerges again, filling us with a desire to achieve more?
There is really something wrong with our minds. We suffer from a basic psychological disorder that is the source of our dysfunctional behaviour. We're all slightly mad - and because the madness is so intrinsic to us, we're not aware of it. I call this 'humania' as in 'human madness.'"
An anecdote from the author about when he was at University, leaving his friends apartment feeling unwelcome.
"I left the halls of residence and walked through the students' union building, full of students drinking, talking, and laughing, and felt a terrible sense of isolation. I was completly alone here, trapped inside my own mental space with these thougths, and this sense of being a conscious entity, and nobody would ever be able to really know me, to experience what I was experiencing, to feel what I was feeling. I felt incredibly lonely, like a planet surrounded by millions of miles of empty space. The space inside my head where 'I' lived seemed cramped and oppressive, like a tiny dark prison cell. I felt I was experiencing the reality of my predicament as a human being, a terrible truth that everyone fought hard to avoid, and it seemed impossible to bear - we were all trapped inside ourselves, completely isolated and unknowable, as we were all trying so hard to escape, drinking and talking and watching TV to try and forget the emptiness inside us."
I would really love to dye my hair exactly like this, but as it's so dark I would have to bleach it first, and run the risk of ruining it.. But it would be so cool, blue AND pink, come'on! Where could that go wrong!? Oh well, I can still dream......